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I remember many times like these… Baby crying in the background… Daughter “A” needed help with schoolwork… Daughter “L” clearly upset but didn’t know how to talk about it and needed your time… Another daughter, “A” wanted you to see something she just learned. And a friend was having a crisis and needed to talk, all while dinner was burning. How often have you found yourself surrounded by noise and demands and the best solution seems to be- turn on the tv for the kids. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying we should NEVER turn on the tv when we absolutely need a moment. But is it the easy, regular, go-to and normal coping mechanism?
As parents and teachers, we all have decisions to make every day. Sometimes they can be very hard. One of these decisions is how we approach the specific choices in our household or classroom. We can approach them from an “intentional” approach or the “easy” approach. I'm sure of that if I ask you which of these you would like to operate from, you would probably say, “the intentional approach sounds good to me!” But I'm not sure it's that simple. What I do know is that every day, every moment we take the easy way out, we step farther away from being intentional in training our kids.
So what are our intentions? Miriam Webster defines an intention as “determination to act in a certain way.” Do we even know what our intentions are? If we don't sit down and intentionally figure out our intentions, we may not know. Let's me interject a smiley face there. :)
If we don't think very deeply, we might say our intentions are to raise nice kids. So what does that even mean? Raising nice kids can mean anything. It could mean that they are nice to everyone to the point that they don't express their opinions or feelings and can’t make decisions. Or you might say my intentions are to raise kids that survive teenage years. Of course, we all want that for our kids! Sometimes our intention is to just get through the day. I know I've had days like that.
So what's does being intentional with our kids mean? We can't really say what it means until we know what our intentions really are. We can joke about them, give them a cursory glance, or even think we ignore them, but even ignoring them is really intentional. (This conversation is seeming to get more confusing by the minute.)
We can know our intentions only after we let ourselves consider them for a while. And then, think about them some more. They are informed by many areas. Our backgrounds, our motivations, our beliefs, and our relationships are just a few things that contribute to our intentions.
I guess I'm getting a little deep here, but I think it's important to realize how many things contribute to our decisions to act in a certain way. Life is short and we don't want to come to the end and reflect sorrowfully about some of the decisions we made, especially for our children… Or the decisions that weren’t made when they should have been. Many were the choices that we made because it’s just plain easier. I know we have all made them. Like letting our kids play with video games while we want to get on an important phone call, or telling our kids 6 times to do something because it is easier than following through with the consequence.
All this is to say, we need to have a plan. We need to think about what we really want for our kids in the long runway of their development. What values do we want them to have in the end? The time to think about this is NOT at the moment of reaction to a difficult situation, but at the times of peace and quiet, when things are going well. Here are steps to determine some of your intentions for your kids.
1. Grab a journal and begin to write. Write your desires for your kids, not just general thoughts, but be specific. Write your thoughts about character qualities you want for them. Write your thoughts about those things you feel are deeply important for your kids. It’s ok to be ideal here. We all know that our kids will not find perfection this side of heaven, but we need intention, or there will be no guidance.
2. Organize the values and character qualities you want for your kids. Spend some time doing this. You may want to put them in order of priority. Some things you might regard as more important than others. When you have finally come up with your best list, you are ready to move to the next step.
3. Take each of these qualities and think of behaviors you would like to see in your kids that correspond with each quality. Be sure to consider what is age appropriate according to where they are right now. You can then list behaviors that you would like to see in the future as they grow.
4. Then write teaching situations that you can provide that will inspire or grow your kids into these behaviors or qualities. Don’t forget that you need to model the behaviors you want from them. If you want your child to learn patience, you need to be patient with him. If you want her to be calm, you need to speak calmly to her. You will get better at this the more you do it.
If you want to teach honesty, It is important to speak up if there are signs of dishonesty, no matter how small. Imagine a time you are in a hurry, trying to fit a shopping trip in before you have to be at an appointment. You get out to the parking lot and discover your young child has put a small item from the store in his pocket. The easy way is to figure it was not much and doesn’t matter, or that your child does not even know what he has done. Besides, it would be embarrassing to go back in with the stolen item. But that is not the way that will teach the character quality you have identified as important. Don’t pass up this great teaching moment. Do the intentional thing!
When I was in high school, I had asked a friend (who wasn’t a believer) to go to a youth activity with me. I was then asked to do another activity for the same evening. I declined because I was taught and it was modeled for me that you always keep a commitment, even when it is hard. I am sure you can understand my disappointment when shortly after, I receive a call from my friend that she was canceling because she took the offer from the other person that I turned down. I was taught to do the intentional thing, even when it is hard. There was a difficult disappointment at the time, but what a lesson!
This training comes from everyday decisions to do what is right, even when it is hard. When we are consistent with this training, we will see great success our kids adopting these values for themselves.
We have our kids for portions of every day, for a few short years before they will be out of our house and making their own decisions. We can help them most by being consistent to do the intentional thing instead of the easy thing, day in and day out. This is probably one of the hardest aspects of training, but the most rewarding in the end.
Let me say a few things that being intentional is not. Being intentional does not mean that you regularly scold and punish. Instead, it is intentionally leading and guiding. Scolding in anger is reactive, but intentionality is proactive. Being intentional is not filling your day so full that it is hard to find the extra bandwidth to carry out your intentions. No, it is evaluating priorities and letting go of the things you can’t do. And lastly, being intentional is not being perfect. Expecting perfection from you or your kids will frustrate you all. Giving and receiving forgiveness is a great lesson in itself.
So be mindful, be full of grace and mercy, and be intentional! Whether you are a parent or a teacher, someday your kids will thank you for it.
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